New Stock Market Terms

NEW YORK CITY – A friend of mine from NYC has just sent me these updated financial terms.  The ones for Value Investing and Bull Market are a sad commentary.  Sad but true.

• CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer
• CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer
• BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
  himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
  wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
  keeps crashing.
• BROKER — What my broker has made me.
• STANDARD & POOR — My life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
• STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
  between themselves.
• FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
• MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
  toilet.
• YAHOO! — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
  share.
• WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo! @
  $240 per share.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Last year’s investor who’s now locked up in a
  nuthouse.
• PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.